Doggie

I want a dog so bad.  I’d name it Paz or Huckleberry and we’d go walking everywhere and I’d train it well and we’d snuggle and play and run through the hills together. 

I know what I really want is companionship.  There’s a lack of intimacy in my life right now.  Last year, I built the best relationships possible with only a year.  Then, I went home and was with people who have known me since forever.  Then the Peace Corps hit and I started over in a new world.  Admittedly, I did a bad job during training.  I was overwhelmed by being around 30 new people all day and my inherent awkwardness and slowness made me not my best self.  I came out of training with a lot of people I like, but nobody that knows my insides. 

I’ve been working on it.  I love my family, but their sheer quantity and cultural differences make closeness a different sort of animal.  I’m getting closer to the volunteers in my region, but I only see them every two weeks or so.  I like to talk to farther away volunteers on the phone and I think we’ll bond on the trips we take, but all of this is in future tense.  It helps to write letters to friends and talk to my family on the phone, but they’re still not with me. 

I know I have to work with the humans around me. 

I’m not miserable or even sad much of the time.  It’s a feeling of lack.  There’s something missing.  It’s live-with-able, but there’s an empty quality to it.  I don’t have anyone special to love near me.  I don’t have a companion. 

I’ve been taking care of the kitten, but she’s not mine and only has a slight preference for me, if any at all.  I was a hair away from buying a rabbit at the feria today, but I don’t think that would be a very reciprocal relationship. 

I’m going away for a few weeks at the end of March, and that keeps me from making an impulsive decision.  I don’t know where to find an available dog, anyway.  Even the most raggedy ones in the street usually have an owner.  I know my human relationships will strengthen.  But I’m going to come back to the dog idea if I still really want one in April.  I appreciate the price and responsibility that comes with a dog, but it might be worth it to have a friend around.